All Fiction Hurling Final
by we-hate-sausages
Summary: A heroic hurling battle between the good and evil characters from Lost, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings with random guest appearances. Warning: Imagination needed!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: We don't own Lost, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or any related characters.**

**_Chapter 1_**

Locke looked up from the match programme and sighed. The opposition was full of familiar famous players. The game ahead would be tough. Why had he ever agreed to do this? ….

**_Flashback_**

Locke typed in the last number, 42, and pressed 'execute', silencing the irritating beep. He heard someone enter the Hatch and turned to face the male figure running toward him.

"Locke, you've got to come **_now_**!" Jack shouted, in his usual heroic, life-saving doctor voice.

"Why?" Locke asked, not at all troubled by the panic in Jack's voice, as he tended to get worked up very easily.

"We've got to go see the Big Hairy Other (**_Note: Big Hairy Other is the Others' leader, who is, from now on, known only as BHO. Other others will be abbreviated to O1, O2, etc…)_**. He just paged me on my cell phone that I'm too thick to use to get us off this island."

"Yes, you are rather thick." Locke replied in a vengeful voice that conveyed very clearly his hatred of Jack **_(Note: Unless clearly stated please take it for granted that everyone besides Kate and Ana Lucia hate Jack)_**.

Locke led Jack by the hand back to the Camp, as Jack was too thick to make it by himself. There they met Kate who was being her usual annoying self and insisting on going to meet the BHO. They set off two hours later after many arguments (including a bitch fight between Locke and Jack over whose hair was prettiest). Sayid led the group, closely followed by Jack (who was too busy sulking, after Hurley had declared that Locke's hair was prettiest, to be in his usual _"I'm the best, I should be first" _mood). Eko came next, with his big Jesus stick. The majority of them were clustered in the next group, which consisted of the entire camp minus those already stated and Charlie, who was lagging behind sniffing drugs.

The meeting was very eventful. The agenda of the meeting was as follows

- A heated debate over the current holder of the title "Male Islander with the Smoothest legs"

- A slanging match between O26 and O49, who were arguing over who got to eat Sun.

- BHO, assisted by O1-O50 (excluding O4, O8, O15, O16, O23 and O42, who were all mysteriously feeling a bit sick), explaining the real reason for the meeting.

The real reason for the meeting was very simple- The Lost producers had joined forces with other popular book/film producers. Together they had decided to spice up their productions in a once off TV show special, in which the Lost & Co (a team consisting of all the good characters) take on the Others & Co (made up of bad characters) in a hurling match in Croke Park, Ireland.

Jack immediately elected himself as captain of the Lost team. Gandalf was to be the manager. Locke, who was pissed off because Jack had taken the title of "Male Islander with the Smoothest Legs", defiantly switched sides and declared himself manager of the Others team. BHO was unanimously voted captain.

And so the meeting ended. The next day the entire crew of Lost and all of the characters from Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter woke up in a hotel near Croke Park. The teams began training for the match to end all matches.

**_End of flashback_**

Locke sighed again. There was only a week left till the match. He did not care how but he had to beat Jack.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to all our reviewers. We greatly appreciated your comments.

Enjoy

* * *

Chapter 2

Dumbledore flopped on his bed in the hotel. He was bet out. He had been training basically non-stop for the last three weeks without magic. Bloody White wizard. And now the game was only five days away and counting.

Albus moodily threw a dart at the picture of Gandalf on the wall. It wasn't fair, he thought to himself. He couldn't understand why Gandalf had been chosen over him as manager. He couldn't stand not being thought of as the best wizard. He needed some help with the issue. He decided to visit Ron.

Ron opened the door of his suite in his dressing gown.

"Albus", he exclaimed. "What a lovely surprise."

"I need your help", Dumbledore said bluntly, getting right to the point.

"Its Gandalf- he's driving me crazy. Everyone likes him more than me. I mean when has he ever done anything remotely important. Big deal if he saved the Middle-Earth, it's not even a real place. I'm totally better. And I'm way more handsome", he burst out in one breath. He began to sob as he cracked under the pressure of the up-and-coming match.

"There, there", Ron sympathised, while patting Dumbledore on the shoulder.

A long talk ensued, in which they came up with a cunning and devious plan to overthrow Gandalf, and Dumbledore left feeling a lot more confident.

The following people were included in the plan at a meeting that night.

They agreed to help because-

 Harry, being a suck-up, thought that Dumbledore should be manager.

 Hermione didn't like being out smarted (as it was a well known fact that Gandalf had received an 'Outstanding' in every O.W.L, which was one better than her).

 Gandalf had stopped Fred, George and Ginny from hexing the other team (by turning their best players into bread sticks) because he thought that they should play fair.

 Jack was feeling a bit left out so he decided that he would put Gandalf on his enemies list (which also included Locke for having prettier hair than him, George Bush because Iraq had been Jack's favourite country and Charlie because he stole Jack's Barbie)

In the middle of the night, they sneaked into Gandalf's room and left him this letter:

Dear Crappy Prick,(A.K.A- Gandalf),

You're fired. The following chart explains why. HA HA HA. (By the way- this is not Dumbledore- I swear!)

Yours falsly,

Dumble scribbled out, I mean, the producers and managers- I can't remember their names.

Wizardry Popularity Ratings

Dumbledore(THE BEST!)-99

Ginny, Fred + George-0.9

Gandalf(THE WORST!)-0 (HAHAHA!)

Others- 0.1 (losers)

The result of this was that Gandalf resigned and ran off back to Middle Earth. To Dumbledore's dismay, Legalos replaced him.

Meanwhile, Locke was having just as much trouble with the Others team. No one cared who was in charge as long as victory and various revenges were acquired. The players were the most corrupt bunch of people to ever terrorize this Earth.

Every possible way of cheating was discussed (though Locke was excluded from that meeting). Many of the Lost's team members were injured in mysterious accidents, most of which involved them falling of random cliffs, being murdered under the Dark Mark or simply disappearing, due to involuntary involvement with Vanishing cabinets.

The level of training that both sides were put through was nothing short of torture, and a number of orcs collapsed and had to be taken to hospital.

Everything revolved around the outcome of this game…


	3. Chapter 3

**Please note - - We do not hate Jack! In actual fact, we _love_ him and his shmexi body! But thanks for the reviews anyway!**

**Chapter 3**

The programme read:

All Fiction Hurling Final

Referee- Treebeard / Umpires- Walt Dawson, Hermione Granger,

Bilbo Baggins, Claire Littleton / Linesmen- Jin, Sun

Team- Lost & Co

Manager- Legolas

1-Hugo Hurley

2- Meriadoc Brandybuck 3-Rubeus Hagrid 4-Charlie Pace

5-Frederick Weasley 6-Aragorn /Strider 7-James Ford/Sawyer

8-Albus Peruvic Brian Dumbledore 9-Jack Shepherd (capt.)

10-Sayid Jarah 11-Harry James Potter 12-Kate Austen

13-Frodo Baggins 14-Aaoran Littleton 15- Grawp

Subs- Other Good Characters Cheerleaders- Ana Lucia, Eko, Dobby, Order of the Phoenix (incl. Mad eye!)

**Team- Others & Co**

Manager- John Locke

1-Danielle Rousseau (we think she's evil)

2-Lucius Malfoy 3-Gollem /Smeagol 4-Bellatrix Lestrange

5-Vernon Dursley 6-BHO (capt.) 7-Michael Dawson

8-Tom Marvolo Riddle 9-Sauron

10-Eathon 11-Severus Snape 12-Henry Gale

13-Goodwin 14-Saruman 15-Mundungus Fletcher

Subs- Other bad characters Cheerleaders- the army of orcs, Kreacher, Death Eaters


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

In the Others' dressing room, Voldemort was using a random orc as a pretend Dumbledore to practise on (the orc surprisingly survived, but lived the remainder of his life on a Tongan island, eating only pandas and after a particularly evil curse never uttered another word except "Choo, Choo…"). Mundungus was sharpening a stolen, rusty knife. Sauron was calmly destroying Galway. Locke was crying in the corner because Ginny had succeeded in turning him into a breadstick and BHO had taken a bite out of him before the curse had worn off. He was currently missing his left ear and two toe nails. BHO was getting sick in the other corner because Locke didn't wash behind his ears.

Things weren't going much better in the Lost dressing room. Sawyer was dying his hair pink to go with the jerseys (_Note: More on jerseys later!)_. Ana Lucia was using random orcs as moving targets to calm her nerves as she was a crappy cheer leader and the routine, designed, of course, by Jack, was too difficult (_Note: it involved lots of screaming, the main words being "I love Jack!")._ Jack was coaching Lupin on the routine (and also the best way to be a werewolf as he was back in one of his _'I'm the best so I know everything' _moods), as Lupin hadn't bothered learning it (he was actually being savaged by a inferius at the time but Jack didn't accept this excuse).

Finally, both teams were ready for their pep-talk. Jack tried to make the speech for the Lost team but Legolas pushed him out of the way, reminding him that he was the manager. Jack then did what Jack does best - he sulked.

Legolas' speech went ,"The Other team are fair and valiant, and oft their legacy is foretold to the ears of youthful elves. Indeed, they have the might of the armies of Mordor (An interruption then came from dear Frederick Weasley - "Well obviously, considering the whole of Mordor Army is on the team!"). It will take our most admirable efforts to overthrow them in their quest for victory and revenge (Another interruption. From Harrius Potter this time - "Bring it on Voldy!"). Failure, it troubles me deeply, will result in forfeiture of your humble existence by the long thorn that will pierce your side, after a journey from this bow of mine."

A dumbfounded silence followed this. It was broken by Dumbledore.

"I thought I used fancy words but even I didn't have a clue about what you were saying", he announced.

Exasperated and annoyed, Legalos replied, "I meant that if you don't beat the Others I'm going to kill you all with my arrow."

This message was surprisingly more effective.

Locke was too intimidated by his team to make a speech so it was Voldemort who gave the pep-talk.

"You all know why we're here," he began. "The plan is simple - find and eliminate Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter when Treebeard isn't looking. That is all."

The majority of the team were too scared to object to this tactic. Only Sauron was on the same level of evilness of Voldemort so he was the only one who could argue.

"Forget Harry Potter," he said. "We want the ring."

"We could try winning," Locke interrupted. This interruption cost him three fingers and his nose


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

The seats of Croke Park held the strangest sporting crowd the world had seen in terms of both appearance and sound. Their roars of anticipation, frustration and joy reached the heavens. Every seat, step and stand was covered by thousands and thousands of supporters. The fictional world was experiencing a historic and life-changing event- would this really be the last battle? Would evil finally reign the world with it's iron claw or would good finally triumph over those against which it had struggled so long …… who knew? The cacophony reached its peak as the Mighty Jack Shepherd led his army out onto the field of battle. They were fierce, bold-hearted, determined …… and clad in beautiful shades of magenta, violet and bubblegum pink.

The team began to warm up. They were surprisingly inept at the game of hurling despite having trained for three weeks solid. Sayid, the Lost & Co's star player, was the only one with the ability to hit the ball more than three feet in the air. Had they been playing a half-way decent hurling team the outcome would have simply been embarrassing; however …… they were not.

BHO had decided that, even though hurling-wise they were, to be blunt, crap, the Others & Co would not divulge this secret. Instead they would intimidate the opposition. As part of this plan they decided to be fashionably late. So at 3:05, Croke Park was filled with the glorious sound of Queen's "We Will Rock You", and to the awe and amazement of the crowd, a Hungarian horntail soared from the tunnel and landed on the 65 (squishing several unfortunate orcs **_Note: our sincere apologies to all orc-lovers but we feel it necessary to destruct them all through the course of this story_**). There was a loud bang and a lot of black smoke which cleared to reveal that the dragon had vanished and in it's place were the Others & Co. They received a polite round of applause from their evil supporters who were dressed to match their heroes in rainbow-striped ball gowns with pop-out pictures of Voldemort and Sauron on the front and back.

A strong wind was blowing and both sides were determined to be aided by it in the opening half. Jack won the toss much to Saurons annoyance who, out of frustration, threw his hurley on the ground and accidently blew an enormous crater in the center of the pitch. Calm was restored when Argus Filch set up a trapeze rope which the players could use to cross the gap during the game.

The players all took up their positions except for a confused Dominic Monaghan who was playing at both corner back positions as Merry and Charlie. After a short contemplation, he settled on thinking he was Superman and decided to play both positions. The game began ……


End file.
